Laura had just finished making dinner and was cleaning up when her phone rang. 

Unknown number.

She rubbed her left palm on her apron and picked it up, leaving her right hand on the blue kitchen towel.

“Hello.” She said, turning to lean with her back on the countertop. She could perceive the sharp aroma of garlic and onions that lingered on her palm. 

“Hello. Is this Laura?” The voice from the other end was urgent. 

“Speaking. How may I help you?”

“You need to come to Saviour’s Hospital. Your husband has been in a car crash.”

Laura’s first reaction was to hang up and slam the phone down. She started wiping the countertop again. “the wrong number” she said under her breath. But her hands were shaking. 

When the phone rang again, she jumped in shock. Her heart hammered against her ribs as she walked close to it. Her husband’s name was on the caller ID. She let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. 

“Honey, are you coming home already? Dinner is ready.” 

“Ma’am, sorry I called you with a hospital phone. You need to come to Saviour’s Hospital. Your husband was in a car…”

“No!” Laura screamed. She hung up the phone and moped around the kitchen where she stood. 

She said no as she bounded up the stairs to their bedroom. She screamed no as shoved her head through the hole in a T-shirt. She kept saying ‘no, it can’t be as she peered under the bed for the slippers she kicked there in her haste. She said no as she turned the ignition of her black Corolla. And all through the drive to the hospital, she didn’t stop saying no. 

When Laura was taken into the emergency room where her husband lay, looking clean and peaceful, a freshly stitched cut on his head, she screamed “No!”

It took the strength of two men to get her to sit down. She forced her way to the bed, yanked off the blue cotton sheets, and started ordering her man to get off that weird-looking bed and come home to eat the spaghetti dinner she spent all evening making for him. 

She didn’t shed a tear and when the doctors asked her to call some of her family members, she kept mute. She remained so till her relatives came, her husband was put in the morgue and she was led to the car to be driven home. 

Like every human being, Laura found it difficult to believe that her husband who she kissed goodbye in the morning, spoke with during lunchtime, and spoke to a few hours ago to tell him she was making spaghetti for dinner, was never coming home. 

Someone once asked a question, “Why do people who just lost someone or something important to them carry on with life dry-eyed as if nothing happened?” 

The response to this question is in the understanding of the different stages of grief. We will point out five stages of grief humans go through and how to cope with each stage. We are going to be using the grief of losing a loved one as a case study as it is the most common type of grief people experience.

The stages of grief.

The five stages of grief were made popular in 1969 by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, an American psychiatrist after her book ‘On Death and Dying was published. 

In the book, she established that there are five stages people go through when grieving the loss of a loved one and that those stages do not come in a particular order. A person may go through any of the stages at any time. As we know, grief is universal but the process of grief is personal and unique. 

Years after Dr. Elisabeth’s theory, more research has been done and it is being revealed that there may be more than five stages in grief and that people may go through all or some of the stages. 

Stage 1- DENIAL

Due to the shock of the event, a person may struggle to acknowledge and accept the loss or believe that it happened. 

At this point, the loss is yet to feel real and it sometimes seems like a nightmare that you will eventually wake up from. 

This stage is characterized by feelings of:

• Shock
• Confusion
• Fear
• Avoidance of reality.

You may say things like,

“It can’t be.”

“This can’t be happening.” 

A person in denial may sometimes forget the loss completely or even try to contact the deceased or look forward to seeing them. 

How to cope with denial.

1- Give yourself time to fully accept the loss. Let your emotions play out till you are ready to face reality. 

2- As difficult as it may be to picture life without that special person, start making plans for your future. 

3- Talk to a grief counselor if it becomes difficult for you to accept. Grief counseling helps you talk about how you feel. 

Stage 2- ANGER

Anger is a reaction humans have toward the loss of anything. If you’ve ever lost a loved one, you find yourself questioning why it happened. You find yourself angry at not just yourself but others too. It is a human strategy of gaining control of a situation they feel is out of hand. 

At this stage, you may have feelings of: 

• Rage
• Resentment
• Aggression
• Frustration

 You begin to make statements like, “God, how could you let this happen.” You begin to apportion blame to yourself and a higher being you believe to be in charge of things. You may even think of revenge. 

How to cope with anger. 

1- Don’t deny or ignore how you feel. Allow yourself to be angry and don’t try to suppress it. Bottling up your emotions will not help. 

2- Express your feelings in any healthy way you can. You may choose to talk about it to a counselor or follow non-verbal ways like writing or drawing. 

3- Think and analyze the situation from different perspectives. Doing this may make you cry but it helps you let you. 

Stage 3- BARGAINING

This is like negotiation. You may be willing at one point in grief, to do or give anything to get back who or what you lost. You do this to push away the feelings of helplessness. 

Knowing that there is nothing you can do about a situation is difficult to accept. So, you try to reach a bargain with yourself or fate to change things in the past, present, or future. You may plead to go back and change things because thoughts of ‘what if’ begin to creep in. 

This stage comes with feelings of:

• Guilt
• Worry
• Comparison
• Overthinking
• Insecurity
• Judgment

You may also try to punish yourself and any other person you feel may be responsible for what happened. Hoping that a miracle will happen is also part of the bargaining stage. 

How to cope with bargaining.

1- Give it time to pass. Time is very essential in grief. With time you will accept that the situation wasn’t your fault and you have no control over it. 

2- Lend a voice to your feelings by writing them down. Keeping a journal at this point helps you put down what you feel, what you wish for, and what you hope to see. 

3- Channel your thoughts to things in your life that you can control. Make efforts to focus your thoughts on things that you have control over. 

Stage 4- DEPRESSION

Depression can surface during grieving because of the surge of uncontrolled emotions in your mind. You are not alone if you feel depressed and low while grieving. 

Feelings that may surface at this stage are:

• Emptiness
• Sadness
• Numbness
• Hopelessness
• Withdrawal

Depression stage ranks 4th on Dr. Elisabeth’s theory but not everyone experiences it. If ever it happens, it is normal and the intensity reduces with time. 

How to cope with depression.

1- Don’t reject help from loved ones. When you withdraw from your close circle, it makes things worse. Let those around you help you. Also, at this stage, it is very important that you talk to a professional counselor about how you feel. Don’t wait. Don’t hold back. Talk to a counselor so you don’t sink deeper. 

2- Don’t judge yourself harshly for feeling depressed. We have established that these feelings are normal. You should make efforts to live above them but don’t feel bad for how you feel. 

3- Do something good that helps you remember and honor the life of the person. It may be something you both or that person alone enjoyed doing. 

Stage 5- ACCEPTANCE

Although the five stages of grief are in no particular order, acceptance usually comes after all other emotions have settled. You finally come to accept that, “this is for real.” 

It means you have come to terms with what happened. Then you allow yourself to mourn your loss and plan for the new phase of life. At this stage, you feel a pinch of hope, like a tiny dot of light in a dark countryside. You can now do the following:

• Tolerate and control your emotions
• Accept reality
• Start adapting to the situation
• Have fond memories of the person.

Acceptance means that although you are not happy about what happened, you are ready to accept it and make the best out of the situation. 

How to cope with acceptance.

1- Think of the happy memories you have of that person. Focus on the good times and forget about what could have been.

2- Plan for the future once you are ready to deal with it. It is inevitable that you must live without that person. Begin to plan how to do so. 

3- Stay close to people who remind you of the good times. Make time to discuss with family and friends who also have fond memories of the person you lost. 

Final Thoughts

Are you going through grief? Make up your mind that whichever stage you find yourself at anytime, you won’t let it overcome you. 

Yes, you may have to live with the loss all your life. Still, a prepared mind helps you get through it and make the best out of an ugly situation. You will be okay.